She forgot how sexy she was | Singapore boudoir photography studio

Meeting Pin-up Rebel Ms D felt a little like meeting that rebellious sister or aunty who would encourage you to try something different in life just because, well, why not?

There is a lot of fire in this woman. She is feisty, expressive and fun to be around, takes her red wine and coffee very seriously, and has a knack for finding humour in a conversation.

I discovered this rather quickly when one of our phone conversations somehow ended up with us joking that perhaps we should start our own OF accounts showing nothing but elbows and knees for some quick moolah. Smart isn't it?

Whether there is actually a thriving market for elbows remains to be investigated.

What I enjoyed about talking to Ms D was how easily our conversations could wander from something completely ridiculous into subjects women don't always get the opportunity to talk about openly.

From our cheeky discussion on our promising future careers as professional elbow models, we also talked about something we women rarely talked about: perimenopause.

The conversations our mothers may not have had

We wondered whether perimenopause was something our mothers had been able to talk about as openly as women are beginning to do now.

It wasn't that they didn't experience these changes. Perhaps they simply didn't always have the language to describe what was happening to them, or easy access to the resources that we have today.

So we talked about the funny experiences, the strange changes and the darker moments that aren't quite as easy to laugh about.

Perimenopause can affect far more than our periods. The changes happening in our bodies and minds can sometimes feel so unfamiliar that we barely recognise the person we've become.

As I got to know Ms D, I learned that she has experienced many different versions of herself throughout her life. Some came through choices she made, while others were shaped by circumstances she never asked for.

Instead of pretending those previous versions never existed, she seems to have taken the lessons that came with them and allowed herself to keep changing.

Perhaps that's why something she said felt particularly fitting:

"It's okay to rest, reset and start as many times as you want."

``Am I too old for this?"

For all that fire Ms D carries, she still had her doubts before her boudoir session.

When we asked how she felt in the days leading up to it, her answer was wonderfully straightforward: ``ALL."

She was excited because she hadn't done a photoshoot in a long time, but she was also nervous about showing a lot of skin. At some point, a particular question had crept into her mind: ``Am I too old for this?"

She was also curious about one more thing: ``If I can connect with the photographer. Heehee!"

Fair question, really.

You're about to spend several hours with someone directing your body into unfamiliar positions while you're wearing considerably less clothing than you normally would around a near-stranger. Of course you'd want to know whether you're going to get along with her.

Considering we'd already discussed the potential profitability of our knees and elbows, I'd say we were doing perfectly all right.

Healing and celebrating can happen at the same time

When we asked why she wanted to do a boudoir session at this point in her life, Ms D described it as both healing and celebrating.

She had reached a place where she felt more at peace with her body and mind, knowing that both will continue to change through different situations and phases of life. She wanted her photographs to hold some of the joy she had found in getting here.

When Ms D talks about strength, she doesn't credit the impressive bits of her life either.

"My strength did not come from my achievements in life, it came from my failures and pain."

That tells you quite a bit about her.

The fire didn't come from nowhere.

Then there was a mirror

At one point during her session, Ms D suddenly stopped when she found herself standing in front of a mirror.

I watched her stare at herself for about five seconds, and I didn't interrupt.

Five seconds doesn't sound particularly long, but when someone becomes completely still in the middle of a photoshoot, it somehow feels much longer. I could only imagine her brain churning through all sorts of emotions, so I let her have that moment.

Meeting yourself in the mirror can be intimidating. So many of us are used to looking at ourselves with a purpose: checking our hair, seeing whether an outfit looks right, noticing something we don't particularly like and then carrying on with our day.

Standing there and really looking at yourself is different.

I knew something was happening for Ms D during those few quiet seconds, but I didn't know what it was until she later told us that she had been trying to hold back her tears.

``I forgot how sexy I am. I forgot how expressive I can be."

Suddenly, those five quiet seconds made sense.

What made the moment even more powerful was that she hadn't seen her finished photographs yet. There was no retouching or carefully selected portrait in front of her.

It was simply Ms D meeting herself in the mirror.

The woman who had walked into the studio wondering, ``Am I too old for this?" was now looking at herself and recognising something she had forgotten was still there.

For those five seconds, I didn't need to direct her because the mirror was doing something I couldn't.

Finding trust through movement

Movement is already an important part of Ms D's life. She is passionate about movement, wellness and self-expression, but being comfortable moving through everyday life is very different from doing it with a camera pointed directly at you.

As the session progressed, she became increasingly comfortable moving in front of my camera. She eventually described it as feeling ``like as though I was the photographer."

Now that is a dangerous amount of confidence to give a client. I'll be out of a job soon.

What stayed with her afterwards wasn't simply the fact that she could move comfortably for photographs. It was the trust she experienced in herself while doing it. ``I trust myself more."

``You not bad lah."

When Ms D finally saw her photographs, her first thought wasn't an eloquent meditation about womanhood or ageing.

Her exact thought was:

``Hey woman! You need to do more photoshoot!!! You not bad lah."

This came from a woman who told us that when she normally sees a photograph of herself, her eyes immediately go to her lips because she has never really liked the way they look when she smiles.

This time, there was much more about herself demanding her attention than the shape of her smile.

She liked the woman she was looking at.

Starting over, as many times as you need

Ms D wishes women talked more openly about starting over.

She would tell her younger self to have more fun exploring life. For another woman going through a difficult period, her advice comes from what she has lived herself:

``Behind every pain, there are always strength. You just need to feel that pain and the pain shall pass and you will find yourself again."

For Ms D, sensuality has become part of her freedom too. It isn't about seeking approval or trying to impress somebody else. She described the feeling simply as being strong and beautiful.

When we asked what she felt most proud of after her session, she said it reminded her that she is still beautiful, feminine and, very importantly, ``naughty. Hahahah!"

I feel that last discovery deserves proper recognition.

Ms D also said something that perhaps sums up her approach better than anything I could write:

``I wish more women knew that they do not need to wait to feel perfect before doing something like this."

She certainly didn't.

Ms D arrived with excitement, nerves, doubts, curiosity and all that fire she carries with her.

Later, when she saw her photographs during the photo reveal, her response was far less complicated:

``I feel strong and beautiful."

And perhaps that's enough.